Here it is, 3 a.m. in Alaska. I have not been able to sleep for the many thoughts running rampant in my busy head. So much to do. So little time. Does any of it matter?
Advanced Training Institute, a part of Institute of Basic Life Principles family, I have been watching IBLP's Basic Seminar. A little bit here and there. It has been an adventure into figuring out what I can change about my self and life that is not pleasing to my Heavenly Father. Or rather what He can change about me. There sure seems to be a lot of it. One revolving thought is: "What would _________ think of it?" Of course, the proper question is "What does God think of it?" You know that saying that goes around social media "It is none of my business what others think of me." or some such. It is only correct for me if it is tempered through the Holy Spirit.
"What about a good name that is spoken of in the Bible?" you say. "What about being on the righteous path that shows others the way to Christ?" That is the key. Is my life lined up with Jesus' example? Is my good name in line with God's standard? or man's?
What others think about me doing God's will is none of my business, because His thoughts on my conduct are my standard, my regulation, my law. Surely it is nice when others see my efforts and are willing to lend positive encouragement. I love being praised. It is my downfall when it comes to the way others see my efforts.
Herein lies my defeat. I put too much importance on what others think of me. I have for as long as I can recall. It is time for a change. I can only control what I think of what I am doing. I cannot control you, nor would I like to control you. Free will has its upside and downside. The greatest upside is that when someone loves you or shows affection, you (usually, and barring abusive circumstances) are being shown their desire to love. That is the greatest gift we can give. Our love. Which equates to our time, energy, desire for them to succeed...
I have been having a tough few years with a family member. No matter how much I love them, they turn away from me every chance they can, except when they need me to do something for them. It is very discouraging. Lately, the relationship has gone even further downhill as that family member has found a substitute for me. It hurts. Badly. There is no replacement in my life for that one. There never can be, nor do I want there to be. Their exodus has left a great hole in my heart. The kind of hole that feels like what is explained as Broken Heart Syndrome.
God has been using this heartbreak as fuel to draw close to Him. I had thought that I was devastated until I heard those tiny whispers of comfort. My children telling me that they need me, my husband telling me that he loves me, the call to arms in God's beautiful Kingdom. He is giving me beauty for ashes. I came through the fire of my baby dying. I came through rejection by family members, those whom I thought I could trust. I came through huge waves of destruction to find His ever present hand on my life. He reigns. He cares. He is here with me. He feels my pain. He knows what it is like to grieve. He knows that my great weakness as a mother, daughter, wife, sister is the pain of rejection.
Rejection feels like someone close to me has died. And I know that feeling firsthand. I went through an agonizing few years after my son died. No one wants to talk about a child dying, or anyone dying. Maybe they don't know what to say. Maybe they don't want to interrupt the grieving. Maybe they are uncomfortable with the pain associated with death. I cannot tell what makes others stay silent when others need comfort. I can only say what makes me stay silent when I see the pain of others.
But, I digress. A new chapter, new adventure is what you are here for. My dear husband is back in med school in Dominica!! I am very excited about this, because this means that our life will have great change. Already, we have been preparing for the day of our (mine and children's) departure to parts around the 15th parallel north. We do not have tickets yet, but will be scheduling this coming week.
All Saints University School of Medicine is trying to procure the missing clinical rotations there so that they can offer all the required programs on island. This keeps the costs for doctors down as well as providing a place for students to finish all their required classes.
Travis has finished an ICU rotation and is currently in the E.R. rotation assisting with patients. Next he is looking at Surgery and then possibly Family Medicine.
If all goes well and he does not have to take any breaks in between rotations, he will be done mid- to late-June. The children and I will be there by the end of October. Our tentative plans include flying back to Alaska for the yearly school testing in April.
So, recap of our new chapter: Dominica, West Indies until Travis finishes his medical school requirements.
Thank you Heavenly Father for your graciousness in our goals and dreams.
This opens up another dialog of planning, preparing, fulfilling and executing our desires.
Stay tuned to keep posted. This will be my sounding board.